… I am a man and I have successfully done this more than once.
Not like, out of the blue, first date hookup kind of thing. More like… we’ve at least been dating for a few weeks, more like months usually, kind of thing.
Sometimes, it ends up with just comforting, no sexy time, just … more or less bonding time.
But, sometimes, it does end up with sexy time.
If your goal is relating to the other person, growing a relationship with them, not just sex with them… it doesn’t matter.
I believe you. There’s some kinds of trauma though that are just inherently more stigmatized by cis-het women. Sure people value our capacity for vulnerability and candor but some societal norms haven’t really seen any progress on that particular end of the spectrum.
Regarding trauma about male-on-male SA, various addictions, or accusations of sexual misconduct the general public still isn’t really that progressed in it’s ability to handle. They’re not really kinds of trauma that you can dress up in a cool jacket and say “well I’m a better person for having endured it”
It really depends I guess on the woman. At least a third of the men I have dated have been SA’d by other men as children. I think because I had shared with them my family trauma, which includes this kind of violence, it made them more comfortable to tell me. At least a couple, I was the first gf they told.
This is why I dont agree with the whole "it’s rude to ‘trauma dump’ on people thing. I never mean harm, but I do share my story. Firstly, because my cptsd is legit baggage a potential partner will have to support my in, and second, so also a person with their own baggage doesnt feel like a freak for having it. My crowd was always other baggage carriers (sorry for this metaphor, but its working rn).
I learned very young the horrors of …this. It comes down to the person, and thier life expierences. While dating one fella, who was SA’d as a young person by his adopted father, I saw discourse online a lot with people making fun of men for thinking washing their ass was “gay”, and folks making fun of this. I was actually dating this guy, who thought this. It was because he was raped at 12. I didnt judge, but he did break up with me after a half year or so. But now, I dont think the jokes are so funny anymore. How many of these men who think like this were raped as boys? You cant help but wonder.
This issue runs close to my heart, and I only hope that change can come in the next few generations. It is starting to be talked about, but I really hope to see change before I die in regards to the taboo in talking about this. I hope men in thier own circles are disscussing it.
Ill trauma drump as much as I want, because it could help someone not ready to talk about it. I dont carry shame in this regard, and I wish others wouldnt either. These boys grow into men, and feel such shame, blame themselves, and get complexes. If only I could heal everyone. Thats my genie wish.
I agree with you, I’d just like to point out that, at least to me, the term trauma dumping means explicitly talking about trauma in an inappropriate environment/situation. For example, imagine talking to your coworker about them visiting their dad for his birthday, and then starting to talk about trauma relating to your dad. That is trauma dumping. In a dating context it’s more likely that you are in a situation where sharing your trauma is appropriate.
While dating one fella, who was SA’d as a young person by his adopted father, I saw discourse online a lot with people making fun of men for thinking washing their ass was “gay”, and folks making fun of this. I was actually dating this guy, who thought this. It was because he was raped at 12. I didnt judge, but he did break up with me after a half year or so. But now, I dont think the jokes are so funny anymore. How many of these men who think like this were raped as boys? You cant help but wonder.
This is such an impactful point.
Ill trauma drump as much as I want, because it could help someone not ready to talk about it. I dont carry shame in this regard, and I wish others wouldnt either. These boys grow into men, and feel such shame, blame themselves, and get complexes. If only I could heal everyone. Thats my genie wish.
We still have a ways to go in… socially realizing / allowing men to actually express emotional pain… I literally instinctively wanted to just call it ‘weakness’, lol.
We are still basically at ‘well if you are a man and you aren’t basically always a tough guy, well then you must be either gay or totally mentally unstable or something’.
That being said, of course there are exceptions to this, my experiences are proof of that, but yeah, its not the norm.
I hate that you’re right. And I hate that it feels like it’s getting worse - that we’re backsliding on some of these subjects that require care and empathy for our fellow humans. Men deserve to be vulnerable and open and be supported as well.
Certainly on an individual level, I’ve had these types of connections with men. It’s powerful and I hold those memories very close and dear. That’s hard to extrapolate out to the larger population in text though.
Is it getting worse? I had a 65 year old man (my deceased father’s best friend) be open with me about it. This man cant get through a single sentence without making a sexual comment about women. When I was dealing with my fathers death, he was helping… and I got sick of it after asking multiple times, and yelled at him. In the moment of chaos, I said, yelled, I have been raped okay! Please fucking stop!
Later he shared with me how this is how he copes with that trauma. So, maladaptive, but he said it, outloud, and understood the whys.
That took courage, and idk. I think its getting better. I can be kinda nieve though.
Y’know, I supposed it depends on what one is comparing this time against. It feels worse compared to pre-2020 in ways, misogyny and discrimination are on the rise again.
But to compare to our parent’s generation? It’s better. It’s definitely better.
I feel like this only works if you’re a woman, but yeah. Decent way to vet a dude’s empathy capabilities
… I am a man and I have successfully done this more than once.
Not like, out of the blue, first date hookup kind of thing. More like… we’ve at least been dating for a few weeks, more like months usually, kind of thing.
Sometimes, it ends up with just comforting, no sexy time, just … more or less bonding time.
But, sometimes, it does end up with sexy time.
If your goal is relating to the other person, growing a relationship with them, not just sex with them… it doesn’t matter.
Because your tomorrow will include that person.
I believe you. There’s some kinds of trauma though that are just inherently more stigmatized by cis-het women. Sure people value our capacity for vulnerability and candor but some societal norms haven’t really seen any progress on that particular end of the spectrum.
Regarding trauma about male-on-male SA, various addictions, or accusations of sexual misconduct the general public still isn’t really that progressed in it’s ability to handle. They’re not really kinds of trauma that you can dress up in a cool jacket and say “well I’m a better person for having endured it”
It really depends I guess on the woman. At least a third of the men I have dated have been SA’d by other men as children. I think because I had shared with them my family trauma, which includes this kind of violence, it made them more comfortable to tell me. At least a couple, I was the first gf they told.
This is why I dont agree with the whole "it’s rude to ‘trauma dump’ on people thing. I never mean harm, but I do share my story. Firstly, because my cptsd is legit baggage a potential partner will have to support my in, and second, so also a person with their own baggage doesnt feel like a freak for having it. My crowd was always other baggage carriers (sorry for this metaphor, but its working rn).
I learned very young the horrors of …this. It comes down to the person, and thier life expierences. While dating one fella, who was SA’d as a young person by his adopted father, I saw discourse online a lot with people making fun of men for thinking washing their ass was “gay”, and folks making fun of this. I was actually dating this guy, who thought this. It was because he was raped at 12. I didnt judge, but he did break up with me after a half year or so. But now, I dont think the jokes are so funny anymore. How many of these men who think like this were raped as boys? You cant help but wonder.
This issue runs close to my heart, and I only hope that change can come in the next few generations. It is starting to be talked about, but I really hope to see change before I die in regards to the taboo in talking about this. I hope men in thier own circles are disscussing it.
Ill trauma drump as much as I want, because it could help someone not ready to talk about it. I dont carry shame in this regard, and I wish others wouldnt either. These boys grow into men, and feel such shame, blame themselves, and get complexes. If only I could heal everyone. Thats my genie wish.
I agree with you, I’d just like to point out that, at least to me, the term trauma dumping means explicitly talking about trauma in an inappropriate environment/situation. For example, imagine talking to your coworker about them visiting their dad for his birthday, and then starting to talk about trauma relating to your dad. That is trauma dumping. In a dating context it’s more likely that you are in a situation where sharing your trauma is appropriate.
you know, absolutely
Well said.
This is such an impactful point.
As they say, sunlight is the best disinfectant.
I like that a lot, “sunlight is the best disinfectant”. Im going to hold on to this saying.
My grandparents, and to a degree my parents gen, hid everything. Swept it under a rug and pretended it never happened.
This just lead to more abuse through the generations. It is more harmful to not talk about it.
100% agree.
We still have a ways to go in… socially realizing / allowing men to actually express emotional pain… I literally instinctively wanted to just call it ‘weakness’, lol.
We are still basically at ‘well if you are a man and you aren’t basically always a tough guy, well then you must be either gay or totally mentally unstable or something’.
That being said, of course there are exceptions to this, my experiences are proof of that, but yeah, its not the norm.
I hate that you’re right. And I hate that it feels like it’s getting worse - that we’re backsliding on some of these subjects that require care and empathy for our fellow humans. Men deserve to be vulnerable and open and be supported as well.
Certainly on an individual level, I’ve had these types of connections with men. It’s powerful and I hold those memories very close and dear. That’s hard to extrapolate out to the larger population in text though.
Is it getting worse? I had a 65 year old man (my deceased father’s best friend) be open with me about it. This man cant get through a single sentence without making a sexual comment about women. When I was dealing with my fathers death, he was helping… and I got sick of it after asking multiple times, and yelled at him. In the moment of chaos, I said, yelled, I have been raped okay! Please fucking stop!
Later he shared with me how this is how he copes with that trauma. So, maladaptive, but he said it, outloud, and understood the whys.
That took courage, and idk. I think its getting better. I can be kinda nieve though.
Y’know, I supposed it depends on what one is comparing this time against. It feels worse compared to pre-2020 in ways, misogyny and discrimination are on the rise again.
But to compare to our parent’s generation? It’s better. It’s definitely better.