Motivation.

I like to say my pronouns are whatever I look like to you.

I’m afraid it will be interpreted as mean though but I really don’t mind.

Thank you for asking. Every day that goes by these memories feel more and more like a dream or hallucinated memory, but I trust the kid that I was.

It’s a 3 part series all in the same house in Austin, Tx over 5 or 6 years.

Part 1 I moved to Austin, Tx in the 90s with my parents and brother. It was a little over a week in the house, I later learned a single family had lived there previously and had built the house, its bed time on a school night and we are all in dark and in our rooms. I hear a toy gun noise, it was very popular in the 80s and 90s a space blaster that made a variety of noises, go off behind a wall or closed door. My father yells, “Batmancer! Turn off your tv and go to bed!” I shoutply, “It is! That wasn’t my tv!” He says loudly “okay”. The next year a family friend comes to visit for a while. Assumably the same amount of days had passed since my friend’s arrival and my family’s first arrival the year before, I didn’t count the days either time, just something I noticed after this night. So we are in my room late at night hanging out, we were talking after playing games for a while. There was some quiet moments, then my friend says, “Did you hear that?” I asked what. He said “That weeooo weeeoooo weeeooo” he described the space blaster sound. I lit up with shock and excitement because I did not hear the sound that time! No one else in the house did either that night, only him.

Part 2 Many months go by, over a year. I am woke up one night in my bed by a feeling that there is a presence in my room. I felt intense fear and worry that someone was in my room. I have the blanket held up to my face, peaking over the edge of it at the dark room surrounding me. I pray to a god I don’t believe in. “Please god let the light turn on” over and over for under a minute, I don’t know how long I would’ve kept saying it but I stopped. Because the light turned on. I am a grown adult man crying writing this, not sobbing my wife hasn’t noticed and is watching The Rookie but still I am crying(I love that I can cry so freely these day). Anyways yea, that fucking light turned on. I have doubts that maybe in some adrenaline fueled fear I did it so fast and got back under the covers I didn’t record it to memory. I don’t know. So I run to my parents room and wake up my dad. I say, “(events) I don’t know if it’s a ghost or an alien or what.” He replys in a tired and uninterested tone, “Well Batmancer obviously it’s a nice ghost or alien because it turned the light on for you.” I return to my room with complicated feelings but mostly just shock and trying to feel better by convincing myself, that I guess my dad is right. I got back in bed and fell asleep eventually with the light still on.

The Final and Loudest Encounter. Years go by, I’m a young teenager alone at home. I’m making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the kitchen, there is an office room through an open double door threshold at one side of the kitchen. I hear, click, from the office. I lean back to glance into the room, nothing. I continue with sandwich, all that’s left is the smooth out the jelly. I hear it again. I place my butter knife on the counter and head into the office. I cross through the threshold, I am 6 feet away from a computer on a desk in the corner next to a window.

I notice the office chair, a spinny one on wheels you know the kind, is slowly spinning around. Slow enough that perhaps the window is open and there is a draft? I approach the window to investigate, nothing. The air conditioning? Nope. Is my brother actually home and there is a string tied to this? No strings. The chair had been spinning so slowly that it had not made a full rotation yet. At this time I’m standing behind the chair looking at the computer in hibernation mode, dark screen and yellow lights in the tower, the chair has not reached a point in rotation that it is about to face directly at the computer. At the right moment of chair aligned to desk, I place my hands on the back of the chair and stop it.

A woman’s scream erupts from the speakers of the computer, the kind of speakers that would let you know a phone call was coming, I am in shock and I think this is the most elaborate prank my brother has ever played. I was or am computer savvy, I wake up the computer and look to see if anything looks amiss like the computer running a program that fakes hibernation and screams when your friends get close. Nothing. I accept this may be real. I return to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest knife we had, sat in the corner, and closed my eyes. Ghosts are invisible so I was going to rely on my spirit senses to try to defend myself. I can’t remember how long I sat there, but I said, “if you’re gonna kill me then kill me already.” I believe over 5 minutes pass. I put the knife back and return to the computer room.

I think of all that has happened in the house. I place my hand on the wall and close my eyes. I say, “I don’t know what you were trying to tell me or why you’re here, but if you’re living here with me and family. I love you and I hope you’re okay.”

That was the last weird thing that happened that anyone noticed.

Epilogue: That was in the 90s as I said before, just this past year I have developed a new perspective on what and why it all meant, thanks to a random friend of a friend at party and sharing this story. Also I spoke with my mom about it again and apparently my brother shared his own story with her.

So I shared the story with her, and I said I don’t know why or what any of it meant and it took me many years to accept there are things I will never know in life. She said in a very plain and innocent tone, “Oh, it’s sounds like it was little girl playing games, then being curious about me one night, and then playing in the spinny chair and I startled her when I stopped it.” I cried then and I’m crying again. I will never know but that made the most sense out of everything I thought of over the years. After that I asked my wife if it was okay for me to invite her to our new place in case she was lonely wherever she was. My wife said it was okay. I did, I felt afraid but I did and I told her I hope she’s doing good. I had some trouble sleeping that night but still felt like it was a good thing to do. No sign of her yet. I still love you and hope you’re okay, whatever you are.

My brother told my mom, he saw a little girl like figure hanging around his room some nights but that she never did anything mean or confrontational nice or otherwise to even acknowledge my brother.

Damn that reminded of one of the times I did salvia. My friends said I looked like I was in a seizing up kind of pose but not shaking. Dropped head, angled wrists, and an extended leg with a pointed out ballerina foot kinda thing.

Anyways, I hit the salvia and I’m suddenly split into a water wheel, I can see all the actions of my top self on the couch and the actions preceding it from my view at the bottom of the water wheel. It felt like I was there for a long time maybe an hour, I remember I use to say years but I think was being dramatic for fun story telling, it was 30ish seconds my friends told me.

Sorry to hear about the lifelong disorder, I have some health stuff from being a drug addict in my youth.