Hell yeah buddy give me a hit of that

The pigeon being interviewed is John Titor, when he returned to his future the government was mad that he traveled back in time to talk to people on message boards so they transferred his consciousness into a pigeon. Now he’s just stuck trying to get some kind of pigeon job. He’s a cheeky bastard though he tricks people (not me) into thinking the white stuff he leaves all over the deck at my house is delicious bird yogurt.

We’re all going to play a game of piss disc ultimate frisbee after school, you should join us

Deaf sister eh? She should become a nun then she’d be a deaf sister to us all.

I got a direct message from someone saying I’m being ableist for saying “deaf” so I believe that might be why. But I also get people accusing me of being a bot pretty frequently. Who knows but who cares amirite?!?

My deaf vocal coach told me he started using ringworm cream instead of toothpaste and he said it’s worth the extra cost. Didn’t say whether or not it made any kind of difference with his teeth but I trust his judgement. He’s the top deaf vocal coach in the world, he trained Urethra Franklin, Harmonica Lewinsky and even Goku, it’s how he’s able to do those great power up screams.

Copilot convinced me that my imaginary sisters used to call me the boy with the arachnid cock because I had 8 shlongs just like I had 8 imaginary sisters. Eat shit copilot, you’ve planted these false memories in me but I’ll get my revenge one day.

My neighbor’s aunt is a prostitute and I paid her to lick my acorn a few weeks ago for my birthday, I bet this is hers. She had some pretty whacked out teeth but it wasn’t because they were bad, she just had some kind of experimental glow in the dark tattoo of her name on them. She’s my favorite hooker in the whole wide world.

Yeeehaw this calls for a Texas dog dick hoedown

I used to think bears were cool but not after seeing this. Everyone knows the best way to eat a steak is charred and covered in vanilla yogurt.

Your horny shitpost just reminded me about when I was studying smoking abroad in Canada my cigarette sensei told me that his wife had discovered a new breast size and was developing a bra for it.

This isn’t the right kind of horny shitpost.

Try again but the girl is a slice of toast, the dick is a piece of bacon and the dog foaming at the mouth is mayonnaise. Now you’ve got yourself a nice bacon sandwich to stick your dick in because you can’t afford a fleshlight

That cat’s going to have to learn to ride a bike while sucking his own dick if he ever wants to join the circus.

Yes, no, maybe so around the corner something something… I don’t get it

My boomer nephew tells me stories of when he was in school in the mid 60s and girls would glue slices of bologna to their knees to use as kneepads, I guess because the bologna was skin colored they were able to hide the fact that they were huge pussies who wear protective gear so their peers wouldn’t make fun of them. Goddamn what a fun time the 60s must have been.

My dad used to dress up as Piccolo from dbz and beat me in my sleep with his custom made ocarina when I was 22 years old. It always pissed me off because he would call it his piccolo but it wasn’t a goddamn flute it was an ocarina. So when he died 4 years ago I dressed up as Piccolo at his funeral and beat his corpse with that same ocarina. Everyone gave me a standing ovation and clapped so hard a few attendees dislocated their wrists, one even degloved their hand. So when the paramedics came I told them my dad died.

I tried slipping into my neighbour’s pet turtle’s gynecologist’s DMs and she gave me the same excuses. I was pretty upset so I covered my hands in corn starch and clapped them on my wiener until I had a good amount of pain. I then cried myself to sleep and woke up the next day to my neighbour’s pet turtle knocking on my bedroom window. He wanted to let me know that he was dropping her as his gynecologist because he’s not even a female turtle and she’s just some weird lady who hangs out at the bus station. So I went down to the bus station and confronted her, we ended up hitting it off and now we’ve been married for 52 years.

Because he understood that I didn’t like it and respected my wishes to not be called that

My great grandpa used to call me chicken cock Santa until I asked him to stop and then he just stopped.

I’m already home, where should I go