Woosh.

If the device can open a modern web page,

Mine cannot, any hope for me? It’s an iPad 2 from 2011.

Someone should write a book about a wealthy barber. :)

A pub that I like shows football (n.am. soccer) matches. The urinals have little football nets with a little football hanging from a string mid-net, and if you aim just right, the ball spins around and around. I aim for that.

This advice is not easy to generalize outside of this particular pub, but I wish you luck.

Wow, that is seriously impressive for 300 lines of bash. Well done!