My retirement plan is a tank of helium and clear bag. Gonna watch the ocean, and make myself laugh with funny Mickey mouse voice and drift off

It kinda looks like a dude bent over from behind, hangy balls flappin’ in the breeze

Similar story getting pulled by a cop for speeding once. I’m gay, but used she/her when I told him, because I’m not a complete fucking moron.

I was speeding, it was like 3am, this is after my state’s hilarious excuse for a lockdown, so all the businesses are closed at night now, and they will pull you any time they catch someone driving at night.

Officer: where ya headed this time of night?

Me: glances at the lube and condoms laying on the passenger seat “hookup with a chick I met online”

Officer: Fuck yeah. Drive safe, buddy.

And he fucking walked away. No other questions, did not ask to see my license, insurance, nothing. Just “go get you some, boy!” And that was it. Had I admitted it was a guy instead? I highly doubt the reaction would have been the same

Idk, man, depends on the bags, but I love getting the flesh purse dangled into my enamal-bladed bear trap sometimes

My boyfriend once got lock jaw while giving head to his ex. He got it out, but it was tight and it scratch up his dick pretty good from what I understand. Bf had to go to urgent care because his jaw was stuck mid blowjob for over an hour. They told the doc he had been eating a sandwich when it happened.

The funny part, though, is that they were hosting family for a weekend, and had snuck off for a mid day quickie when it happened lmao

I wish I were able to make a gif on my phone right now. You know the homer Simpson “mmmm, donuts” one?

“Mmm, painal”,

Thank you so much! I was just trying to tell a friend about one of my favorite webcomics from years ago, but it’s been so long that I had completely forgotten the name, and could only describe it as “basically it’s like if the flag balls were people, and it’s set in Europe, but I can’t remember where”

First time I ever found out some guys couldn’t do that was wild. He was so fucking fascinated by my bobbling bell end it was wild lol

Two stories:

My mom was in a religious school for a few years, and her craziest story was sex Ed, which was mandated in the state at the time. The entire class was “take this shoebox home.” Literally no other instructions. The shoebox contained a mirror and nothing else. It was 20 years later before she realized what the mirror was for, because she wasn’t informed it was a sex Ed class.

ETA: the school was mixed gender, the classes were not. Girls had separate classes from boys. The mirror was for standing over and seeing that you do, indeed, have a vagina, and then gaining absolutely other information

I was homeschooled, but not in a religious way. My mom ordered the books the state told her to order. When we got them they were fine, until we got to the science module and it told us how ancient humans and dinosaurs lived side by side. … My mom immediately ordered different books.

It depends on if this alligator is in ecstasy or agony, I cannot tell.

But the answer to either: anal

Honestly, I can’t imagine winter without something to break the monotony of it. But where I live winters can be pretty harsh. They’re fairly mild is Australia, right? Or is that just the image I have of it in my head because it’s supposed to be so damn hot there? Lol

Same thing I thought. Is there a winter holiday that’s popular in Oz?

Can I participate if I use a box mod? I prefer a very open airflow

I personally don’t use twitter, and for what it’s worth, I also don’t really consider it a meme. I just meant that the twitter screenshots have been used as memes and in meme communities since around that time, per my own experiences

If we’re using a descriptive model of linguistics, then I’d say about 2012 or so

Fun fact! Hermit crabs have a better housing economy than we do! When a crab that needs a new shell stumbles upon one that is too large for itself, it will wait around for another crab of the appropriate size to take it, and then take the smaller shell it discards. They will often do this with a line of several crabs, effectively creating a socialist housing system in which each crab gets the correct sized home for itself.