You can give moving public speeches

am the world’s greatest kindergarten teacher

Can revive the dead

save kittens from trees

“can see”

Better take viagra!

become immensely popular as a male role model

You can captivate the attention of any child. You’re a comedian or magician that would absolutely kill it at any children’s birthday party. You would be a fantastic teacher as you can hold the wrapped attention of even the most tiktok-corrupted teen.

Except, there’s just one small problem…

However, you must personally hand-deliver every employed person’s paychecks in your country.

No, you cannot move to the Vatican to avoid living in a populated nation.

You have to use the heaviest legal tender viable. E.g., 100 pennies as opposed to a dollar. You can buy a house, but you’d be doing so with many, many metric tons of copper.

But it’s a currency you cannot spend or convert.

Infinite bills

Whenever you do this, you turn all the gold you aren’t touching within a kilometer radius into lead. That includes gold in electronics, so you would instsntly break every computer within a kilometer radius.

The incantation is the full unedited script of The Bee Movie and you have to do a Seinfeld impersonation when reciting his lines.

You can never remember the incantation

the incantation is a 5min long praise of Jeffrey Epstein

you now have tourette’s and speak that incantation uncontrolably. the only medication for it is lead-based. lead is otherwise harmless to you.

The transformation takes about a week each way. So you have a lot of awkward time where you’ve got furry privates and horrible clawed hands while you wait for the change to complete.

Your arms take an extra hour to arrive after each teleportation (yes, this delay stacks). You don’t bleed from this, but you have stub arms in the meantime.

Every time you do it, you land on a poop

Your accuracy is +/- 3 light years.

All thoughts are formatted in .docx

In exchange, all of your thoughts are broadcasted onto an account on every social media, no matter how small, with your name attached to it.

Whenever you do it, the fact you’re reading someone’s mind is announced loudly in their mind and in the minds of anyone nearby.

It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information

When you read someone’s mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.

Stack overflow won’t load while time is paused.

It must be written in Malbolge Unshackled using a keyboard that alternates between DVORAK and QWERTY layouts with each keystroke.

The code can only be written in VB.Net.

Your code always crashes. Always.

You can only write ‘hello world’

Air also stops, so moving causes unimaginable levels of friction and you cannot breath.

The download speed is always 10Kib/s.

It comes buried in a folder full of 999 other files, with names from 000 through 999. Which file it is is random.

All the other files are porn of your biggest turn-off. This is mostly just an annoyance.

But they want to change their character every time.

You DM becomes your literal dungeon master. You’re literally chained naked in a basement, forced to play endless games of DND.

They are always completely distracted and on their phones the whole time.

This irritates your intestines terribly every time you use it, causing you to be the one to have to cancel every time tho, or play the session in agonizing pain and very frequent bathroom trips

Everybody in the group but you suddenly dies.

Achieved like bats fly. Your arms and fingers have been transformed into wings.

you lose all leg strength

You’re now a city pigeon.

Extreme fear of heights

You can’t walk

You get struck by lightning

You get hit with the same side effect