i only feel sexual attraction towards my partners, and they have to be sexual first. if they’re not sexual people, i only feel romance to them and no sexual feelings. i frankly don’t wanna bang anyone and have never felt like actually doing so until i met my partner, and even then, it’s more out of curiosity and romantic sparks than anything else (i’m super romantic so i’m not aromantic).
i only feel sexual feelings under certain circumstances, and even then, i use it to make myself happy and not really wanting to have sex with someone.
i am sure i feel sexual attraction, like probably towards my partner, but i’d say less so than most people do, perhaps???
i’m demisexual for now which is on the ace spectrum.
Not a stupid question at all, but my recommendation would be to worry less about labels.
Who cares about the label? You’re a human being with all your little quirks and capabilities, just like everyone else and I guarantee you that nobody fits any label perfectly. A label is only required for those with a need to show off the label.
See also https://dlm-econometrics.blogspot.com/2020/04/the-average-man.html?m=1
Yes you are valid. There is a microlabel that you may relate to, if you’re looking for it:
Reciprosexuals don’t feel sexual attraction until they know someone is attracted to them first. This can create a dynamic where attraction follows mutual interest rather than leading it, different from most other orientations.
But ace is ace is ace is ace. If you identify as being on the ace spectrum, you are valid. If you change your mind later, you were (and are) still valid. You do you boo.
There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Fuck/don’t fuck whoever you want, you’ll always be valid.
#NoQueerCopsAtPride
The Vegan Police, on the other hand, are very serious business.
There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Yet
Sometimes labels help. Sometimes they don’t.
Also, Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are could help!
Sexualities are only useful as options on the dating app.
Whether you describe yourself as “asexual” or “demisexual” (or "straight’ or “gay”) only matters when you’re looking for a new partner and need to choose how much “what do you mean by that” you want to put up with.
Don’t worry about labeling yourself or otherwise over-complicating things. It’s not what defines you.
Labels are meant to help you navigate and exist in the world. If it’s achieving that, it’s the right label!
No, they can be useful for helping a person find their identity but first and foremost they’re descriptors. You shouldn’t be claiming to people that you’re blue eyed if you don’t have blue eyes even if you’ve lived your whole life thinking you did until just recently after looking in the mirror for the first time.
Let’s use your example.
“You shouldn’t claim you have blue eyes”
Why not? Who’s it hurting? I wouldn’t correct someone if they said they had blue eyes. I’d just roll with it.
You stupid motherfucker bro
I guess I just won the argument then lol if you’re best rebuttals is calling me stupid I just have really destroyed your argument lol
I’ve been destroyed with facts and logic, I kneel
It doesn’t sound like calling yourself blue eyed in that circumstance would help you exist in and navigate the world…
Only if you consider lying to yourself and others helpful for navigating the world
That’s why sexuality labels and identity labels are best when they’re self chosen. People get to decide for themselves what helps and what fits. And part of that whole process is dealing with other people offering their opinions, whether you asked for them or not. That stuff impacts the labels people choose and/or the labels people choose to share.
Right but self choosing a label doesn’t mean that you define what that label means or if it applies to you. Telling someone the label they have chosen is applicable if they personally think it is appropriate is stupid when they’ve asked specifics about what exactly a label means and how it might apply in the context of their life.
As much as you may think otherwise, sexuality and identity labels aren’t objective. They are subjective and self applied, because it doesn’t matter what label you pick, or how clear cut you think it is, there is someone, somewhere, who uses it differently. There is no single “truth” when it comes to these things.
So yeah, picking a label that helps you navigate the world is the smart choice. Because if you’re trying to pick a label based on some objectively true definition, you’ll fail before you begin, because there is no such thing in this context
If the labels are subjective, how can my interpretation that you’re using them wrong be wrong?
That’s what people do all the time and why the meaning of labels change over time.
Instead of immediately jumping to conclusions when you hear of a label, the proper reaction should be to just ask for more information and get to know the person more.
That’s the difference between using labels as a tool, or as a discriminator.
Most labels aren’t as simple as physical descriptors.
I didn’t say physical I only used it as my example
And your example didn’t fit this situation, because it’s a purely physical descriptor.
Okay? You shouldn’t call yourself gay if you’re not. Happy now?
How happy can they be if not gay? It literally means happy
Trueee
You are 100% valid.
Asexuality is a massive spectrum, not a narrow box. Most of us see Ace as a big tent that covers anyone who experiences attraction differently, rarely, or only under specific conditions. It isn’t an all or nothing thing.
What you described, needing a romantic bond first, is the core of demisexuality. And that bit about only feeling it if your partner is “sexual first”? That’s actually a specific thing called reciprosexuality. Both are widely recognized and respected parts of the Ace community.
One thing that helps a lot of people is separating attraction from action. You can participate in sex for curiosity or romantic intimacy and still be asexual. It’s about that internal pull (or lack of it), not the act itself.
Labels are just tools to help you navigate your own life and find your people. They are not cages you have to fit into perfectly. If calling yourself Ace or Demi feels right to you now, then it is yours to use.
You can call yourself whatever you want.
There’s no sexuality police (yet).Asexuality isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a method of self identification.
If you feel like you identify as ace then you are.
Many people have responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. That’s even a common friction point in relationships.
that’s interesting, where is that distinction from?
I’m not sure where it’s ‘from’ necessarily, I’ve just read about it a couple times.
Just ignore the labels. They’re one-size-fits-all ideas made up by strangers at some point, so you’ll never be able to properly wear any of them. They’re ultimately pointless things anyway.
Labels help organize descriptions. They’re not always one-size-fits-all concepts. They’re only treated that way because people are fucking stupid in general.
It is as easy to figure out who you are by: Looking up more than one source on a label. Studying yourself and your experiences and then seeing if that aligns with said label. Stick with it, but stick with it by YOUR findings, stop contrasting and comparing with OTHER people’s findings because they probably don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about and only want to feel special.
If we had no labels, then there’s already people running around probably believing that they can be completely bisexual and only, strictly being attracted to one sex that they believe is slightly a fourth gender somewhere. Because again, people are fucking stupid.
I feel like this describes me and I call myself demisexual, I’m only attracted to people who are attracted to me after years of pursuing people who hurt me for wanting them.
That’s a bit different than demi. For them, sexual attraction doesn’t happen unless they feel a strong emotional connection. Whether or not the other person displays attraction towards them is mostly irrelevant (my wife is demi)
A more accurate label would be Reciprosexual.
Right off the bat - Demisexual.
otherwise known as a normal person.
the vast a majority of folks only have sex in relationships. despite what popular media tells you.
The difference is that many people feel sexual attraction towards potentially anyone whereas demisexuals only potentially feel sexual attraction to people they’ve already formed a close bond with. It’s not about actually having sex with people, it’s about the sexual attraction or lack thereof
I’m ace and I was always confused about why people panic around hot people. I get panicking around someone new, but their hotness never plays into it. It was only until I learned about asexuality and learned that most people have a physical reaction to people they find physically/sexually attractive (whether that be increased heart rate, arousal, etc.) I’ve simply never experienced that. Demisexuals are similar in that they don’t deal with that for strangers but if they have a strong emotional connection with someone then they may start to feel sexual attraction
Yes, you are ace. So you are making up a false narrative about how other people work, that isn’t true.
Very few people are like that. Most people are not attracted to most people. Most people are not attracted to others solely based on looks either. There is also a difference in recognizing someone’s beauty, and being attracted to them.
And I’m talking real world attraction, not sexual fantasizing.
I didn’t say they’re attracted to most people they meet, I said that they potentially could feel sexual attraction. As in, it’s not unusual for them to feel sexual attraction towards a complete stranger
anyone can be potentially attracted to anyone in the right circumstances…
dude im struggling with this exact same thing T_T ace has such a “strict” definition that i technically don’t fit into but the label has always felt right to me and i relate a lot to the asexual experience. but yeah what everyone else is sayin— you’re still valid and you can consider yourself whatever you want. also, labels are tools, so if they aren’t helping and are rather causing distress, then dont even worry about all that :)) (easier said than done, i know)
you could stop giving a fuck about stupid arbitrary labels?
all that means is you are agonizing about how others perceive you and will label you and you feel it has some weight.
people have called me gay/queer my entire life. it’s annoying, but it has no bearing on what i really am. no amount of people calling me gay is ever going to make me gay.
Do you have a name? Names are just labels. Why do you care if other people can summon you. Stop worrying about other people and stop haveing a name.
It’s not about what people think about us it’s about ease of communication. I can give someone a detailed explanation of the complexity of my attraction
or I can say I’m ace and be done with it. Ace is close enough to what I am. Much like it makes it easier for someone to get in contact with you if they know your damn name.
Labels exist for a reason. We are pattern recognition machines mostly.
I don’t really use my name or other people’s names when interacting with them, no. I also don’t really use labels and I avoid socialize with people who are obsessed with them because I mostly find them to be massively self-obsessed jerks who lack respect for others and arrogantly insist they know shit they don’t.
Because I don’t really give a fuck about these weird arbitrary definitions of 150 pride flags that angsty teens on tumblr made up to feel special. anymore than i think anyone’s given name is some sort of ‘identity’ or horoscope of their personality.
“I don’t use people’s names”
Okay. Do you have any friends at all? Who are they?
I say ‘hey man’.
But they aren’t here. Tell me about your friends.
Me and your friend are meeting for the first time at a party and you are introducing us? Rember you can’t use names.
What does your phone book on your cell look like? No names or labels.
By the way ”man” is a label
my cell is mostly just numbers.
no, man is not a label. i use it for women and queer people too.
Well hate it quietly then. You aren’t any different than the bigots. You won’t hang out with anyone who uses any kind of label and you demand people stop because it bothers you.
Btw it must be hard for you to order food considering things don’t have labels. Hamburger is an arbitrary label. So is steak. And beef, and beer, and bears.
lol you use labels all the time you just want to feel superior to others.
I don’t like sports but i don’t bring it because im not judging people who do like sports. I don’t complain, I just don’t watch the sports. Oh sorry I shouldn’t have used the word “sport” that’s a label and I know they scare you.
This is human nature. It’s part of our brains way of processing things. You don’t categorize or sort anything?
typical lemmy. ‘if you disagree with me or challenge me you are just a hateful bigot’ straight to the personal attack because you have nothing of substance to say.
No, life is pretty easy for me. I don’t agonize over the labels of things. I mostly ignore them. Just like I ignore lazy relativism arguments that think words have no meaning… but who hypocritically get very defensive about those very same words.
None of those things are arbitrary, but keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel smart i guess? Jesus. Not everyone is so divorced from a physical/objective reality as you are.
lol I know more about words and their meanings than you do. Man is absolutely a label even if you are using it wrong.
You absolutely use labels all the time. It’s how the brain works.
Btw: bigot is
a person who is stubbornly, obstinately, or unreasonably attached to their own beliefs, opinions, or prejudices and is intolerant toward those who differ.
So yeah I used bigot correctly.
right, you’re not a the bigot here. not at all.
