Some people, apparently, haven’t heard of the Ancestral Dildo.

Wang! Pay attention!

The fact that only three interesting things happen in your game shouldn’t be stretched out by a hobbled character that can only crawl along and is doomed to absorb atmosphere that was copy/pasted from assets.

Also, please don’t have 20 doors that rattle, causing the MC say, ‘It’s locked!’ when there exists no key in the game that will ever open that door.

This results in dim bastards like me finding a key and trying it on every door I’ve encountered while dodging the charming pig man that you totally didn’t steal from another game.

It’s irrational, but innate.

Jumping could have absolutely no use in the story you are telling, but once I smash Space and nothing happens you have immediately earned a 4 star at best.

Same goes for no fast walk/shift sprint.

Don’t punish fast readers/imprison players in your narrative if you want them to finish the game.

I’m also one of Those People that will immediately negate a star from a review if I cannot jump in your first person game. Take that for what it is.

I just wish developers of narrative walking simulators would put more work into showing where you can’t go. If I was walking through a haunted asylum with a demon pig man chasing me down a dingy corridor, a couple over turned office chairs and some disarrayed stationary should not block a possible path of egress.

Give me some proper rubble, or a pool of lava, or something.

Edit: I really told the Internet what I felt about walking simulators. Feel free to ignore the rest of this tirade. I’ve just experienced too much 'Walk from point A to Point B while you listen to the voice acting we spent 90% of our budget on.

‘Huh, maybe I can tap the curvy arrow to respond to this response… what if I up vote it so people will respond to my response…’

Depression is hoping a heroic dose of acid causes ego death and maybe life will be slightly less painful afterwards.

As Elvis Costello once famously crooned, ‘Only fools Russian.’

Semipronouns.

If you are B+ slide me those digits.

Noodle armed purple skinned Corporate Memphis bride and groom on the wedding invitations.

Simply break all of the dirty dishes that you didn’t generate and keep a clean set hidden for your own use.

No need for all the toxic passive aggressiveness.

I kind of want to get married just to have a rug pull of a wedding.

I’d have vows like,

'In you, your name here, I found another living human with better medical coverage than me so I no longer have to break into clinics for my largely recreational prescriptions.

'In you, your name here, I found someone that usually doesn’t cry and call the police when I make sexual advances and understands my mostly harmless but mind bendingly bizarre amorous proclivities.

'In you, your name here, I found someone with habits just as disgusting, if not moreso than mine, so we can keep each other in check while maintaining questionable living conditions and achieving new levels of swamp goblinism that wouldn’t be sustainable alone.

And, most importantly, your name here, I get to split the rent with my best friend, and you can’t just kick me out when the gleam is off the cube.’

Then we’d share long pulls from a vintage 40 oz bottle of malt liquor and sloppily make out for a few minutes before throwing the empty bottle into the crowd.

Once we’d loaded all the wedding gifts and departed the scene in a U haul van with ‘Limo’ spray painted on the side, the wedding party would be shuttled to the outskirts of Branson Missouri with a quirky scavenger hunt styled map that would ultimately lead to an Old Country Buffet that’s been vacant since 2012.

Who says romance is dead.

I’m my city in the mid-late 90s it was popular for girls to have long daisy chains of keychains hanging out of their back pockets, longer the better. The clatter between classes was maddening.

It was like a right of passage to steal your first fistful of sassy keychains from Spencer’s or Claire’s. So dumb.

I’d say the boys were more rational, but guys would compete to have the longest wallet chain (I had a degreased bike chain) if you were punk/alternative, or the widest Lane wallet (probably fake) sticking inches out of your back pocket.

Oh yeah, and way too long braided leather belts that hung down past your knee.

Edit: Maybe they were wide non folding zip around Coach wallets. I just remember they were super easy to steal.