As a kid: “Why is my mom so stressed and frustrated so often? Why can’t she just be carefree and fun, like me? Why won’t she just let me do whatever I want all the time?”
As an adult, with kids: “Oh, wait. Some of this stuff was pretty reasonable and being a good parent is hard work.”
“you owe me for giving birth to you and putting a roof over your head” is pretty far out, if you’re raised like this I can assure you it would suit these parents a lot better to skip having kids.
You owe it to the kid you decided to have to care for it as best you can, Not the other way around.
Like, yea, feeling frustrated and stressed is valid but it is in how we express it to those around us, especially to children, that can negatively affect them.
Our feelings are valid but it is also our responsibility to cope with things in a healthy way in order to not just pass that stress and frustration along to others around us. If people can’t do that, then they shouldn’t be having children.
We always try to frame it as “No we can’t do all the fun stuff all the time because things cost money” instead of “I want to be riding a dirt bike on the Pacific coast, you little shit.”
“you owe me for giving birth to you and putting a roof over your head” is pretty far out
Lots of parents throw this out half-joking. “I was in labor for eight hours, the least you can do is spend ten minutes cleaning your room” or some variation of it is a thing my mom would toss off on occasion.
You owe it to the kid you decided to have to care for it as best you can
We owe it to one another to be good in turn. The value of family is in building up the cycle of mutual aid. It’s never a one-way street.
>I throw someone who doesn’t know how to swim into a pool.
>I save this person’s life, getting him safely out of the pool.
>This person must now risk his life and save me in return.
Edit: here’s a thing people from functional families do not understand:
We did not have your experience. We are not whining because of misconceptions. Our childhoods were monstrous. Our family units objectively broken. There is no familial bond, only trauma ones.
You cannot understand because you have no frame of reference to this level of dysfunction. And so you try and apply your framework instead, and skew the corners to fit.
There’s a big gulf between conveying the challenges of being a parent to your kid and just nagging them over bullshit.
Part of transitioning to adulthood is recognizing the struggles your parents experience, both in raising you and in taking care of themselves independent of their own parents. Then you strive for independence - at least in part - because you recognize you can’t lean on your parents forever. And, finally, you might even decide to take care of children, because you want to pay the debt of childcare forward into the next generation.
I guarantee you my parents said all of this in all seriousness. It took decades of therapy to undo the damage of my childhood and I still have issues to work through.
I’m sure there are some that joke around and that’s fine. I’m not trying to claim your mother was abusive when she said it. But I wouldn’t use that as an excuse to minimize a lot of others pain.
We owe it to one another to be good in turn. The value of family is in building up the cycle of mutual aid. It’s never a one-way street.
Why? You (not YOU but a parent) decided to procreate. Everything that follows is yours alone to deal with. I (the kid) never was asked to exist. Why do I owe you anything at all?
Yes. That gives them the conscious option, not the obligation.
Any expectant mother who miscarries can tell you why you’re wrong.
I spoke with many so far and wouldn’t know what that would have to do with anything?
Despite the tragedy of misscariage, it was still a one-way-decision to procreate. The result of it doesn’t touch the point. The resulting kid had no choice to exist or not to exist. It was first thrown into existence and then out of it again. It didn’t ask for either.
I don’t say kids shouldn’t be thankful or be in owing. They’re just no obliged to do so.
You can’t set a kid in this world, expecting it to pay you back somehow. It might, it probably will. It might also hate you for it. But it doesn’t HAVE to do any of it.
We’re all born into our various countries each of which places demands on us. And often that’s under threat of imprisonment or even death and with little of value in return. Yet people are patriotic and support that system. Even if some of us might say it is better that countries couldn’t do that, the fact that it’s widely supported means that there’s some basis for it that humanity recognizes.
Then compare that to a parent who selflessly loves and gives and gives. It’s very reasonable to say that parents are owed something.
Then compare that to a parent who selflessly loves and gives and gives. It’s very reasonable to say that parents are owed something.
That’s the thing. They’re not. You surely CAN be grateful and thankful and whatnot. Of course. But you don’t owe it to them. Were you asked if you want to exist? Were you asked if you want to be part of this society?
The rest you said isn’t wrong. I just fail to see the direct correlation between “i force you into this world without asking consent” and “because of that you owe me something”.
If I take you hostage and treat you super-well and lovely, do you owe me something?
Just because a baby can’t consent before being born, doesn’t automatically mean it has to be thankful for it. Doesn’t mean you mustn’t or couldn’t or even shouldn’t. But you don’t HAVE TO.
Still wouldn’t change that YOU alone forced life into existence. If it needs therapy, you’re at the absolute lowest root of a causal-chain.
Noone questions if you’re fully alone responsible for a pet you got. Even if it still bites you and won’t show “thankfulness”. But kids is just a thing that happens and it’s nobody’s fault or responsibility?
Why do you think it owes you gratitude? For the gift of life?
Joking or not the sentiment is still damaging to a child’s mental state. You don’t get to pick what sentiments a child will internalize. The rhetoric is conditioning them to feel like love and respect are transactional things. It’s teaching them that guilt tripping people to coerce their behavior is okay by treating it as casual. It’s toxic. “It’s just a joke” is a bullshit excuse. Always has been.
The mutual aid argument doesn’t work when one party is dependent upon the other for their upbringing and care. Mutual aid requires both parties to be functionally independent and a child does not have that level of autonomy being dependent upon the parent to raise them so they can become independent. A child is not responsible for the well being of the parent. It is the responsibility of the parents to put their problems aside for the well being of their children.
Cool story. Quick question: you ever honestly and angrily called your kid a little cunt to their face? Ever hit them so hard with something that the item in question broke? Or my personal favourite anecdote, woken your kid up by hurling a kilogram of solid frozen lamb chops at their head screaming about freezer burn?
Don’t excuse shitty parents who take their unhappiness out on helpless children.
You tried to equate parental frustration and childish obliviousness with familial abuse. As you should be aware, my comments were to highlight the difference between “gee, mums get frustrated sometimes” and what the actual topic of this thread is.
And you don’t have to beat a kid to be a shitty parent, jsyk.
So why make a comment about “gee i never got why mum was stressed as a kid then i grew up and realised adult things” on a post explicitly about abusive parents?
Ever hit them so hard with something that the item in question broke?
Tbf, that bit is somewhat dependent on context. I agree, >90% of parents that do that are just shit. My personal experience was different - my dad though ahead and had a specific setup for paddling. Multiple warnings ahead of time, and used narrow-handled wooden spoons, so they’d break so he couldn’t put too much force into it
I mean, having specific implements you choose to hit your kid with. Consider that. Also consider the fact I literally wrote a paragraph detailing clear abuse…and your brain tried to excuse it. I’m not calling you an apologist, just…think about how your brain did that.
And yes, I’m aware of “how it was back then” I’m genX. It’s still messed up.
If you conflate “I gave birth to you and fed you, you owe me” with “parenting is hard work”, please drop your kids off at the nearest shelter as you are unfit to be a parent.
As a kid: “Why is my mom so stressed and frustrated so often? Why can’t she just be carefree and fun, like me? Why won’t she just let me do whatever I want all the time?”
As an adult, with kids: “Oh, wait. Some of this stuff was pretty reasonable and being a good parent is hard work.”
“you owe me for giving birth to you and putting a roof over your head” is pretty far out, if you’re raised like this I can assure you it would suit these parents a lot better to skip having kids.
You owe it to the kid you decided to have to care for it as best you can, Not the other way around.
Exactly. Our frustrations are ours. Not theirs.
Like, yea, feeling frustrated and stressed is valid but it is in how we express it to those around us, especially to children, that can negatively affect them.
Our feelings are valid but it is also our responsibility to cope with things in a healthy way in order to not just pass that stress and frustration along to others around us. If people can’t do that, then they shouldn’t be having children.
We always try to frame it as “No we can’t do all the fun stuff all the time because things cost money” instead of “I want to be riding a dirt bike on the Pacific coast, you little shit.”
Lots of parents throw this out half-joking. “I was in labor for eight hours, the least you can do is spend ten minutes cleaning your room” or some variation of it is a thing my mom would toss off on occasion.
We owe it to one another to be good in turn. The value of family is in building up the cycle of mutual aid. It’s never a one-way street.
>I throw someone who doesn’t know how to swim into a pool.
>I save this person’s life, getting him safely out of the pool.
>This person must now risk his life and save me in return.
Are you suggesting swim lessons are bad, because you don’t start out knowing how to swim?
20 mins in the penalty box for fallacious arguments
FIFA tier reffing
Yeah how dare blind kids not learn braille and read a book jeez they’re fed aren’t they
Its a shit joke and you shouldn’t be making it
Edit: here’s a thing people from functional families do not understand:
We did not have your experience. We are not whining because of misconceptions. Our childhoods were monstrous. Our family units objectively broken. There is no familial bond, only trauma ones.
You cannot understand because you have no frame of reference to this level of dysfunction. And so you try and apply your framework instead, and skew the corners to fit.
Don’t do that.
I have known so many parents who believe that seriously, and want their kids to understand the sacrifice they are making for those brats.
There’s a big gulf between conveying the challenges of being a parent to your kid and just nagging them over bullshit.
Part of transitioning to adulthood is recognizing the struggles your parents experience, both in raising you and in taking care of themselves independent of their own parents. Then you strive for independence - at least in part - because you recognize you can’t lean on your parents forever. And, finally, you might even decide to take care of children, because you want to pay the debt of childcare forward into the next generation.
You’re approaching this with the attitude of a parent who’s already got their future grandkids named.
UnderpantsWeevil III
I guarantee you my parents said all of this in all seriousness. It took decades of therapy to undo the damage of my childhood and I still have issues to work through.
I’m sure there are some that joke around and that’s fine. I’m not trying to claim your mother was abusive when she said it. But I wouldn’t use that as an excuse to minimize a lot of others pain.
Why? You (not YOU but a parent) decided to procreate. Everything that follows is yours alone to deal with. I (the kid) never was asked to exist. Why do I owe you anything at all?
Because it’s the foundation of a functioning civilization.
That’s demonstrably not true.
Why should one’s offspring care for that? It never ask to be in that civilization?
If this makes you feel better? Doesn’t change the fact that procreating is a one-way-decision-street. Yours.
Because they’re human
Any expectant mother who miscarries can tell you why you’re wrong.
Yes. That gives them the conscious option, not the obligation.
I spoke with many so far and wouldn’t know what that would have to do with anything? Despite the tragedy of misscariage, it was still a one-way-decision to procreate. The result of it doesn’t touch the point. The resulting kid had no choice to exist or not to exist. It was first thrown into existence and then out of it again. It didn’t ask for either.
I don’t say kids shouldn’t be thankful or be in owing. They’re just no obliged to do so. You can’t set a kid in this world, expecting it to pay you back somehow. It might, it probably will. It might also hate you for it. But it doesn’t HAVE to do any of it.
We’re all born into our various countries each of which places demands on us. And often that’s under threat of imprisonment or even death and with little of value in return. Yet people are patriotic and support that system. Even if some of us might say it is better that countries couldn’t do that, the fact that it’s widely supported means that there’s some basis for it that humanity recognizes.
Then compare that to a parent who selflessly loves and gives and gives. It’s very reasonable to say that parents are owed something.
That’s the thing. They’re not. You surely CAN be grateful and thankful and whatnot. Of course. But you don’t owe it to them. Were you asked if you want to exist? Were you asked if you want to be part of this society? The rest you said isn’t wrong. I just fail to see the direct correlation between “i force you into this world without asking consent” and “because of that you owe me something”. If I take you hostage and treat you super-well and lovely, do you owe me something? Just because a baby can’t consent before being born, doesn’t automatically mean it has to be thankful for it. Doesn’t mean you mustn’t or couldn’t or even shouldn’t. But you don’t HAVE TO.
Because that’s how society works, mutualism.
I’m not stupid, but…who asked your offspring if it wants to be part of that? You forced it into existence.
Asking consent of the future is ridiculous, and being mad about existing means you need therapy.
Still wouldn’t change that YOU alone forced life into existence. If it needs therapy, you’re at the absolute lowest root of a causal-chain.
Noone questions if you’re fully alone responsible for a pet you got. Even if it still bites you and won’t show “thankfulness”. But kids is just a thing that happens and it’s nobody’s fault or responsibility?
Why do you think it owes you gratitude? For the gift of life?
Who said anything about gratitude? The continuation of the species is just what life is. The cycle is amoral and unfeeling.
Joking or not the sentiment is still damaging to a child’s mental state. You don’t get to pick what sentiments a child will internalize. The rhetoric is conditioning them to feel like love and respect are transactional things. It’s teaching them that guilt tripping people to coerce their behavior is okay by treating it as casual. It’s toxic. “It’s just a joke” is a bullshit excuse. Always has been.
The mutual aid argument doesn’t work when one party is dependent upon the other for their upbringing and care. Mutual aid requires both parties to be functionally independent and a child does not have that level of autonomy being dependent upon the parent to raise them so they can become independent. A child is not responsible for the well being of the parent. It is the responsibility of the parents to put their problems aside for the well being of their children.
I pray to whatever god wants to listen that you don’t have kids. You are a legitimately awful parent.
Cool story. Quick question: you ever honestly and angrily called your kid a little cunt to their face? Ever hit them so hard with something that the item in question broke? Or my personal favourite anecdote, woken your kid up by hurling a kilogram of solid frozen lamb chops at their head screaming about freezer burn?
Don’t excuse shitty parents who take their unhappiness out on helpless children.
Ever.
I don’t think I ever suggested beating a child
You tried to equate parental frustration and childish obliviousness with familial abuse. As you should be aware, my comments were to highlight the difference between “gee, mums get frustrated sometimes” and what the actual topic of this thread is.
And you don’t have to beat a kid to be a shitty parent, jsyk.
Nope. That was all you
This thread is so flush with anti-natalists, I don’t think it’s part of the equation.
So why make a comment about “gee i never got why mum was stressed as a kid then i grew up and realised adult things” on a post explicitly about abusive parents?
You do see what that looks like, right?
It’s a post about grown ups no longer talking to their parents.
because…?
No but shut up and be grateful is clearly the point of your comment
Logic and compassion come sporadically to you don’t they
That wasn’t my point at all
Please do elaborate. What the hell then was your point
Tbf, that bit is somewhat dependent on context. I agree, >90% of parents that do that are just shit. My personal experience was different - my dad though ahead and had a specific setup for paddling. Multiple warnings ahead of time, and used narrow-handled wooden spoons, so they’d break so he couldn’t put too much force into it
yeah still fucked up tho.
I mean, having specific implements you choose to hit your kid with. Consider that. Also consider the fact I literally wrote a paragraph detailing clear abuse…and your brain tried to excuse it. I’m not calling you an apologist, just…think about how your brain did that.
And yes, I’m aware of “how it was back then” I’m genX. It’s still messed up.
Way to ignore half of my comment
Go fuck yourself. The fact you’re willing to type that proves you’re an asshole, and I’m not even surprised you turned out to be like that
Smart strawkid: ok, why are you taking your frustrations out on me then and wondering why i avoid you later in life.
Turnabout is fair play. Strawkids has been straw-taking their straw-stration out on me their entire life.
You do realise you’re a grown arse adult and they’re not, right?
You’re the one who’s supposed to be teaching them emotional regulation
They’re made out of straw.
Mate, you stepped in a beehive. Deciding to make a jester’s dance of it is not a wise decision
If you conflate “I gave birth to you and fed you, you owe me” with “parenting is hard work”, please drop your kids off at the nearest shelter as you are unfit to be a parent.