I ask because I was thinking of how I went from a “one of the guys” type of girl to a full blown “bring down the patriarchy” type of woman. It wasn’t one thing, it was many. Only through reflection and carefully putting the pieces together did I realize feminism was everything I had been feeling about my anger and frustration at inequality, and my need to make the world better for the people around me, but especially my neices.
So when did you realize you were a feminist?
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Late to the party, but for me it was a thousand cuts. I was 19 when I read “Weekend”, the Faye Weldon short-story, and it was a lightning bolt.
As you said, it wasn’t one thing, it was many. My first clear memory where I started to question things was when I was about 9-11 years old. I encountered an anti-abortion rally downtown while I was with my father.
I asked him what they were protesting.
“They think it’s wrong for a woman to end a pregnancy.”
“Oh, killing babies is bad, isn’t it?”
“Do you think a woman should be made to carry a pregnancy even if she doesn’t want it?”
“Ohhh…. Hmm…”
I’m simplifying it, but my father was the first to reframe autonomy and free will for me. I hadn’t begun to realize how the world polices women up until that point.
The abortion debate started my blood boiling, too. The rest was fuel.
My dad was my source of “being a bitch” (as some had it: I would say “sticking to my autonomous guns”). Some fathers, it seems, actually love their daughters enough to question the system they grew up in. Those are the precious ones.
I don’t think there was a single point at which I suddenly became feminist. I just gradually gravitated towards feminism over time. I will probably move even further in the future if I had to guess.
I was a third-wave feminist ever since I started to be exposed to it in college, but I wouldn’t really say I truly matured into feminism until a while later, when I finally understood and started to internalize intersectionality. I even remember having a light bulb moment during a discussion of the rallies during the 2016 American presidential campaign. It was like, “ohh. it really has always been like this for anyone not cis, male, and white, and I never truly listened.”
I’ve just kind of always thought the way men treated us is dumb, and that we deserve better. Can’t really say there’s one particular moment when it happened.
I was in university in the '80s and met a pair of very nice Japanese “girls” (their chosen designation, but that’s kind of foreshadowing what comes). They were beautiful, intelligent, kind, and fun to be around. They both had Master’s degrees and were going for Ph.D.s. (One in literature, the other in psychology.) So I asked them what they wanted to do with those degrees.
Their answer turned me into an instant “kill the patriarchy with a sharp stick” type. They were going through all this work to get a better husband. They were literally ticking off the boxes that made them more desirable wives beyond already being pretty, intelligent, and kind:
- educated ✅
- educated abroad ✅
- post-graduate studies ✅
- doctorate ⬜ (work in progress)
Their entire worldview was what they could do to be better wives, to make their husbands more valuable in the eyes of others. The thought of doing things for themselves never crossed their minds, and indeed they got very troubled looks on their faces if you asked about that. Their role in life was to be valuable for their husband, to be mother to his children, and to be the keeper of his home. Everything they did, including getting a Ph.D.! was just so they’d be more suitable for him.
I never did, my mind was blown when I was old enough to comprehend that misogyny was a thing and women were still fighting for equality. My mum was always a very strong woman, didn’t adhere to traditional gender roles, took no shit from men etc. So really I’ve not ever changed my position.
I grew up thinking we won and everything was great now. Mind blown as well.
Never because I always had been a feminist. I didn’t really become one, it was just how I grew up. That emancipation is the norm.
During my healing from narcissistic abuse. I grew up with internalized misogyny and fixing it is the only path to healing.
I was raised feminist, I don’t remember ever making the choice it was always just considered the default stance in my household growing up
I always was even before I had a term for it. Sexism hit me as young as 4 or 5 when family tried to force me into gender normative clothing and toys. Being neurodivergent I’ve never liked traditionally girlie things which was evidently a big problem for my extended family. I never got the cool dinosaur or dragon toys I wanted.
Growing up the sexism and displacement from the things I actually enjoyed just got worse and worse.
I’d say I always was, but I didn’t adopt the label until I was exposed to stuff like riot grrrl and punk in the 00/10s. I’ve only recently gotten into reading the literature side of it.
I think the Spice Girls did it. Girlpower!
I am not a feminist
Then this doesn’t apply to you.
I was raised in a very right wing household. I was a product of my upbringing and environment (hello, rural insular red state life!) but I still questioned a lot of things until I full on swung to being a feminist.
One of the biggest things for me was thinking about how, if I used the framework I was raised to live in, I would never be able to live my life happily. There are too many “no-win” situations.
If a man that is close to you hurts you, it’s still a “you” issue. Did your dad abuse you? You’re broken because of “daddy issues.” Did you turn down a man and he hurt you? Why didn’t you give him a chance? Did you have sex with that man? Slut. Did you not have sex with that man? Bitch. Did you get abused? Why didn’t you leave? Did you try to leave but got hurt or murdered? Why did you miss the red flags? Did you defend yourself when he attacked you and accidentally hurt him? All of his abuse is excused, you’re actually the worse abuser. Did you leave but you had to start over? You should have thought about that and choose a quality man. Are you trying to collect child support from a deadbeat? Why are you such a money grubbing bitch?
The best defense against men encroaching on you is other men, like a brother, father, or husband. Your own words and wishes do not matter until another man says they do.
As I experienced life and thinking about how I was held back despite doing everything right, it just made no sense to continue supporting this system. Men and women can coexist and each get a fair slice. Got to fight, for myself, other women, and women in the future.
